12.30.24 Here's my self-sabotage pattern, as far as passionate career development. In the past, I'd see someone doing something they were passionate about and want to do what they're doing. I would then go on an information finding spree. Look up everything about it, find and talk to/ interview everyone I could who was also in the field, list all pros and cons, take a workshop or course to certify, build a website around the career, then see someone else doing something their passionate about, get bored with what I'm doing, then plunge into the "new" idea.
I've done that for over 50 years when I discovered my passion for singing and performing.
When we, my sister and I were in elementary school we (all our young cousins, my sister, and I) would do a Christmas show for our families. I loved putting on these shows and performing. They were nothing like the Christmas shows you see on tv. I'm sure they were lame, repetitive, and boring for the parents to watch. But, I enjoyed not only putting them together, but also performing.
Around middle school, we called it, junior high, I discovered my love for art. I loved to draw. I also took some sculpting classes.
As we got older, we stopped doing the Christmas shows. I still sang every single day. I would learn, sing and perform (alone) albums at a time. I'd imagine a whole story with each song. But, I sang alone and performed alone.
Art, I began to create on the edges of my life. Sometimes, I'd imagine myself as a successful artist. But, I could never get a clear vision of what kind of artist. When I played with photography, I couldn't settle on a style or theme to develop and master. Confusion over what to which path to take within a field became a prominent role in my self-sabotage.
I've done hundreds of side turns, U-turns, reverses, zig-zags, and complete halts along this journey. And I still don't know where I'm going today.
I have learned to admire a person when I see someone living their passion. Rather, than wanting to be like them.
In this phase of my life, the self-sabotage pattern is slightly different. I've done so many things I no longer need to take another course. I just keep circling back to the same few things over and over.
Writing, dancing, sound bath meditation, mixed media artist, and singing.
As I look at the above list, sound bath meditation seems to stick out. It is still one of the things chosen out of seeing someone else do it from a space of passion and just wanting that energy.
Writing, I could write and write all day. I love writing and have my own passionate energy about out that is internal, not external.
Belly dance is internal. I can dance and dance, just for me and the pure joy of it. My ego wants me to use it , declares as a performance. My little self declares that I am not and will never be good enough.
Singing, ugh. The same. I will not ever be good enough. Do even start fanning that flame.
Mixed media artists rears its ugly head in two ways. (Why do I word it that way? "Rears its ugly head". Because, as I write, resentment and bitterness is flaring up)
One way is of course, becoming a professional artist. Not possible because as we know, I'll never be good enough. (We being, me, myself, and I.) In addition to not ever being committed enough to master an artistic skill. Why? Because, I'll never be good enough.
The other way to continue to create art is by teaching meditative art.
This is where I am today. My website reflects that right now. Two days ago, it was all about something else. So, if anyone is reading this, it may be totally different by now. You know how I am.
And, I see it coming. This blog post, right here, is part of the self-sabotage. I thought I was writing about one thing yet, I can sense myself trying to lead up to talking myself out of my present path and onto something else. Sneaky me.
I was about to discover as a way to diverge from sound bath meditation and mindful art, that not only is sound bath external but, if I am only settling on teaching art out of fear, why am I not conquering my fears to really do what I am passionate about?
Ugh, I went there!!!!!!!!!
Sound Bath Meditation - External. People tell me how gifted I am and how happy they are that I am sharing this gift.
Writing - Internal. I do it for myself. I love expressing myself through writing. I don't believe I could make a living at it because I don't have anything of value to say. What genre would I write in anyway? No one raves about my writing. I don't care. I enjoy it immensely.
Belly Dance - Internal. I love to dance. But, not enough to practice and work at it every day. I am not willing to do what it takes to become a professional. A professional BELLY DANCER??? What the heck is that? Nope. Not, for me at this age. I will always dance for myself, though.
Mixed Media Artist - Internal. The art I love to create is art that I create just for me. Not to sell. When I'm just having fun. What I don't like, what I despise and fear, is creating loads and loads of art that just piles up into useless trash. I love looking over all my pieces. Seeing my journey. I don't see a clear path to as a professional artist at all. No belief, no faith on that path.
Sound & Art - External/Internal. Now we're getting somewhere. Is it enough?
I need to stop here. Gotta get the house clean. But, I'll ponder the idea that this time I may actually be closer to my Truth.
Be Joyful, My Friend!!!
PS - I forgot how much I love to play instruments. I would love to be a musician. I can play the handpan and the with harmonium with a bit of skill. I could practice more with either of these. But, I'm not drawn to the style of music these two instruments inspire. But, they are the only two I've found that I can actually do.
Musician - Internal. Can't settle on "perfect" instrument. But, I love to explore instruments and play for fun.
Many, many years ago. Where is she?
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